The accidents are one thing but the shame on his face is breaking me
Posting anonymously because even typing this out feels embarrassing, which I know is part of the problem. My son is 3. His twin sister has zero digestive drama, eats everything, goes like clockwork. He has been having soiling accidents for a few months now and we finally got a name for it last week at his pediatrician visit. Encopresis. I had genuinely never heard the word before and I sat in that office nodding like I understood and then cried in the parking lot for fifteen minutes. The accidents themselves I can handle, I have systems, I have a full wet bag rotation, I have extra clothes in three locations. I'm a twins mom, logistics are basically my love language. What I cannot handle is the look on his face when it happens. He's three. He's not doing this on purpose. He already knows something is wrong and he looks so ashamed and scared and I don't know what to say to him in that moment that actually helps. We've been told to work on routine, on fluid intake, on getting more fiber into him, and we're doing all of that. But the emotional side of this nobody prepared me for. Has anyone been here? What do you actually say to a little one in that moment? I'm just trying not to make it worse.
Replies · 13
Selin here. First, that parking lot cry was completely valid and I hope you gave yourself the full fifteen minutes. We went through this with my middle one starting around age five. The shame piece is genuinely the hardest part and you're not wrong to focus on it. What I kept coming back to in those moments was keeping my own voice as flat and matter of fact as possible, like the same energy I'd use if he spilled a cup of water. Not happy, not upset, just "okay, let's get you sorted." It sounds small but kids that age read our faces more than our words and I think it helped him feel like it wasn't a catastrophe. Also the name for it being new to you is so normal. I had never heard it either until our pediatrician said it and it actually helped me because it meant there was a thing, with a name, that other kids had, and that felt less lonely. Wishing you both so much gentleness through this.
Oh sweetheart. The look on his face that you're describing, I know that look. My granddaughter went through something similar around three and a half and I used to just crouch down to her level and say "it's okay, bodies do tricky things sometimes" and hug her before we did anything else. The cleanup can wait thirty seconds. The hug cannot. I'm the grandmother raising her so I came to this group not knowing much and I've learned a lot here. Can I ask, when your son has an accident does he seem like he didn't feel it coming at all, or does he know and still can't stop it? I'm asking because with my granddaughter it was the first one and it took me a while to understand she truly wasn't ignoring it, she just couldn't feel the signal properly. Once I understood that I stopped feeling frustrated with her and everything got a little softer between us.
That's exactly it, the not feeling it. The pediatrician explained it to me and I understood it intellectually but I think I'm still catching up emotionally. Knowing he genuinely doesn't feel the signal makes the shame on his face even harder to see because he doesn't understand why it keeps happening either. He's just as confused as I am.
Yes, that's exactly it. He doesn't know why either. You two are on the same side of this, which I think is actually a comfort once you sit with it. You're not fighting him, you're both figuring out a tricky body together.
Zeynep here. My daughter doesn't have encopresis but she has celiac and the shame piece, the feeling like her body is doing something wrong and embarrassing, that we have very much been through. What helped us was separating her from the problem in how we talked about it. Like instead of "your tummy is making trouble" we'd say "your tummy is working on something, let's help it out." Framing his body as something you're both helping rather than something that's betraying him. I don't know if that translates exactly to your situation but it's what came to mind when you wrote about his face. Also you said you're working on fiber and fluids, do you find he's actually drinking enough through the day? My daughter went through a phase at four where she was just not thirsty and we had to get creative with how we offered water. Not pushing at all, just relating.
The fluids thing is genuinely a daily battle. He will nurse a cup for two hours and then claim he's not thirsty. His sister will drink a full cup of water at breakfast without being asked and I have to stop myself from pointing that out to him, which would be terrible and I haven't done it, but the thought is there and that tells me I'm more frustrated than I'm letting on. We've been trying water with a tiny bit of diluted fruit juice just to make it appealing. The pediatrician was fine with that. Some days it works, some days he looks at it like I've offered him pond water.
The thought being there doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you a tired human. You caught it and didn't say it, that's the whole job.
Pond water face, I know this face. We went through a whole phase with a straw cup that had a little window on the side so she could see the level going down, turned it into a low key game, she found it interesting for about three weeks which was three weeks of better drinking so I'll take it. No guarantees for a three year old obviously but maybe worth a try if you haven't already.
One more thing I wanted to add and I wasn't sure if I should because I know times have changed, but my instinct when my granddaughter had an accident was always to add a warm meal, something soft and easy, like a small bowl of vegetable soup or soft cooked grains, just to give her body something gentle. Her doctor said that was fine as part of a normal varied diet, not as any kind of treatment. I share it only because it also gave us something to do together in those hard moments, sitting at the table quietly, which helped her calm down after the embarrassment. Is that the kind of thing that fits your situation at all?
This is so lovely. The ritual of it, giving him something to do and somewhere to land after a hard moment, I think that matters just as much as what's in the bowl.
I stepped away to do bedtime and came back to all of this and I'm genuinely a little undone in the best way. The flat voice thing from the first reply is going in my brain as a keeper. The "you're both on the same side" reframe from Nuran actually made me tear up a little. And the thought being there not making me a bad mom, thank you, I needed that said out loud. We have a follow up with the pediatrician in three weeks and I feel slightly more like a person who can handle that appointment now. I'll report back. Thank you all, really.
Please do report back. Rooting for your little guy.
Just checking in the next morning. Hoping last night was a gentler one for you both. No advice, just thinking of you.