5 year old's encopresis accidents at school and I am running out of clean pants
Okay so I need to know if anyone else is living this exact life. My 5 year old has been dealing with encopresis for about four months now. We saw the pediatrician, we have a plan, we are doing the things. I am not here looking for medical advice, I promise. What I am here for is the practical stuff nobody tells you. Like, how many pairs of pants do you actually need to send in his backpack before it's enough. I sent three pairs last Tuesday and somehow that was not enough. THREE. I have now accepted that I basically work a second job doing laundry. Also the school situation. His teacher is kind but I can tell the other kids are starting to notice and my son comes home so defeated sometimes. He's a tough kid but even tough kids have a limit. Today he told me he doesn't want to go back tomorrow and that hit different. We're making slow progress, his care team says so, and I believe them. It's just a long road and some days the laundry and the school stuff piles up faster than the actual progress does. Anyone else just in the trenches right now? What has actually helped on the day-to-day, the really boring practical stuff, any of it.
Replies · 10
The school backpack thing. Yes. We landed on five pairs. Five pairs of pants in a drawstring bag that just lives in the backpack permanently now. I also stopped sending his nicest pants on days I know mornings were rough, just in case. Sounds small but it genuinely reduced my stress about laundry a little bit.
Five pairs. Okay, five pairs it is. I'm going to the thrift store this weekend. Cheap pants in a drawstring bag, I can do that.
Okan here. We've been through a different road with my 10 year old but the school piece is so real and it doesn't get talked about enough. The defeated face coming off the bus, that one stays with you. One thing that helped us was having a simple, private code with the teacher so our son could excuse himself without having to explain anything to anyone. Just a word or a signal, something only the teacher knew. It gave him back a tiny bit of control in a situation where he felt like he had none. Might be worth a quiet conversation with his teacher if you haven't already. You said she's kind, that's a good start.
The code word idea is really good. He would love having a secret signal. I'm going to email his teacher tomorrow morning before I lose my nerve. Thank you.
Aylin here, pediatric nurse and also a parent. Just want to say what you're doing is exactly right, you have a plan, you're following it, you're asking your care team. That matters so much more than people realize. The thing about encopresis I always want parents to hear is that it is not a behavior or a willpower problem. The muscles and nerves that are supposed to send the 'go now' signal get overwhelmed after a stretch of holding, and the child genuinely stops feeling it coming until it's already happening. So when he comes home defeated, it really isn't that he didn't try. His body is still relearning. Sharing that framing with the teacher can actually help a lot. Not a medical lecture, just a short note that this is a physical thing his body is working on, not a choice. Most teachers respond really well once they understand that. Your pediatrician's office may even have a simple letter template for school if you ask them.
I wish someone had told me this when we were starting out. I spent so many weeks thinking my daughter was just ignoring the feeling on purpose and feeling terrible about how frustrated I was with her. It changes things when you understand what's actually happening in their body.
not the same situation at all, mine is only 11 months, but I just want to say the line about him not wanting to go back tomorrow made me tear up. you sound like such a good mom for noticing that and caring so much. hoping the road gets shorter soon.
Thank you for saying that. I needed to hear it tonight more than I expected.
One more boring practical thing since you asked for those: we kept a small zip bag of wipes in the backpack alongside the pants. The school bathroom situation isn't always ideal and it just made cleanups easier and faster for him to manage himself as much as possible. Less time in the bathroom, less anxiety about kids noticing he was gone too long. Small thing, helped his dignity a bit.
Okay adding that to the drawstring bag. We're basically building a whole little kit here. I appreciate you coming back.